Parenting Support During COVID-19: 5 ways to manage stress & anxiety
Parenting stress and anxiety are at an all time high. Here are 5 things you can do to help your family get through this challenging time.
Photo by Taylor Hernandez Source: Unsplash @taylormae
Kids are up late and sleep has been poor, for everyone. You have no time to yourself. Sometimes it feels like you and your partner are fighting over trivial things (okay, maybe most times). Work demands are increasing and there’s anxiety about what the future holds. You’re worried about what the school year will look like. If it’s remote learning you wonder how you will help your kids manage their screen time and get their work done. How will you balance your work and other responsibilities while also helping your kids? If your kids are going to school in person you worry if anyone will get sick. There’s uncertainty with just about everything these days: school, employment, health and finances.
Many parents are feeling tired and overwhelmed. Please know that you are not alone! If you have a partner or co-parent, work with them to get through this challenging time together. If you’re a single parent, reach out to a relative or friend and brainstorm ways to safely support one another.
Anxiety serves a purpose. It can be helpful for alerting us to an impending threat. It’s meant to activate our stress response of fight, flight or freeze so we can protect ourselves from danger. However, when it’s chronically activated it can deplete us and harm our health. It can cause us to avoid things that might actually be helpful. It can also prevent us from having the energy to take mindful action in the areas that we can control. Instead, untamed anxiety can cause us to focus on the things we can’t control. This train of thought can lead to feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and hopeless.
The antidote to overcoming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness is connection. Though we are being asked to maintain physical distance with others during this pandemic, it doesn’t mean we can’t socially connect with them in safe ways. One of the primary factors in preventing depression and anxiety is social connection. It’s important we find ways to emotionally connect with loved ones.
Feeling emotionally connected with others releases the hormone, Oxytocin. Oxytocin can be helpful in regulating our stress response and decreasing anxiety. Hugging (even self-hugs) releases this hormone in your system and contributes to increased feelings of wellbeing. It helps you feel safe and secure. During difficult times there are things we can do to reduce stress and promote feelings of safety instead.
Below are 5 ways you and your family can feel less stressed and more connected with each other (think of these as oxytocin boosters!):
Create realistic routines
School schedules look very different this year with both kids and parents having to adjust to different routines. Think about morning, noon and night time rituals for your family that can serve as anchor points during the day. You can try pairing these routines with meal times.
For example, my 6 year-old likes to read a couple of chapters from her favorite book when we eat breakfast. We also like starting our day with a three-minute hug. My 12-year old’s needs are completely different. He’s seeking autonomy, which means giving him space while being on standby to offer support when he needs it.
Our rule is to get out of the house at least once a day and do something active, even if it’s just playing in the backyard. At dinner time we turn off screens. Afterwards we play a board game or unwind with a book or music.
It’s important to create routines that fit your family’s needs. Think about a realistic family routine you can start doing this week. Start with one and see how that goes before trying another.
Take 5! Practice 5 minutes of mindfulness to calm everyone down
When emotions get intense take a 5-minute pause. Stop what you’re doing and bring kindness to the moment. One morning my daughter was insisting she didn’t want to eat breakfast or go anywhere. She was getting pretty grumpy with us. It was getting hard to stay calm. We had planned an outing we were looking forward to, but she insisted she was not going to do it! During these challenging moments I remind myself to pause and give lots of empathy instead.
It’s easy to get into a tug of war with our kids and insist that they do what we tell them to do! However, I find these power struggles end up going nowhere and only make things worse with hurt feelings and more drama. Instead, I take a moment to let my feelings settle before responding to her. I look her in the eyes and try to focus on what’s going on in this moment. I wait a few minutes and ask her what she would like to do instead. I listen. We end up compromising and come up with a plan that meets both of our needs.
This week, take 5 mindful minutes to pause and listen. Give yourself and your loved ones time to work through difficult feelings. Show up with empathy and love.
Team mindset: “We’re in this together”
It’s easy to lose sight of this sentiment, especially after months of sheltering in place and having minimal free time. When conflicts arise we might perceive our family member as doing something to intentionally anger us. However, we might discover that it’s not personal. We tend to take our frustration out on those closest to us. Kids lash out at their parents when they feel upset and then parents end up arguing with each other. Increased stress can further fuel disagreements and arguments.
It’s important to remind each other that “we’re in this together.” Find ways to work through difficult moments together, as a team. Talk about what happened afterwards. Apologize for any hurtful words said in the heat of the moment. Talk about what everyone can do differently next time and then practice it. Work together to overcome challenges.
Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Kids love helping. Give them a chance to help out in a meaningful way. What are some tasks everyone can help out with? Start a gardening project together or make a meal and clean up as a family. Kids of all ages can be assigned age appropriate tasks. Let the elementary age child mix and stir while the older one measures out ingredients, for example. Let the kids fold the towels and put them away (even if they aren’t folded to your expectations, it’s good practice!). Ultimately, this will help build a team mindset and boost their self-esteem.
Fight fairly
It’s important to set ground rules when it comes to managing conflict with others. Agree that there will be no name calling, insults, threats or putting each other down. Give each other space when needed and requested, without taking it personally. Set up a time to talk about it and problem solve later.
Stay patient and don’t expect every conflict to get resolved instantly. Forgive each other often. Apologize when you need to and role model it in front of the kids. Kids learn from watching how we handle disagreements with our partners. When someone is speaking in a disrespectful way let them know it’s not okay. Kids learn how to communicate by practicing those skills at home. When I facilitated kids’ therapy groups we had the following sign posted in every group room:
It’s okay to feel angry…
it’s NOT okay to hurt yourself, hurt others or destroy property
Learn something new & have fun!
We all need time for play. Kids learn best in their natural environments and also when they have plenty of unstructured time to figure things out on their own. Go outside and let them create an obstacle course. Let them lead a family game and choose an activity they want to do.
This summer my husband bought a rope and 4 cones. It’s amazing what you can do with just a few simple items. The kids came up with ideas of what to do with the rope, including ways to swing from it that I didn’t even think about. My daughter had a blast leading me through various obstacles she created with different objects in the yard.
Think about simple ways you can connect with your family that don’t involve a lot of time, money and energy. It’s the simple daily pleasures that kids end up remembering the most. Try out something new together this week. Most importantly, have fun!
I would love to hear from you! Did you try any of these strategies? How did it go? What tips do you have?
Comment below or contact me.
Here is a family resource guide that includes recommendations for apps, books and other support & wellness resources.
Hope you find it helpful!
Sofia Reddy, LICSW
Clinical Social Worker in Massachusetts with 16+ years of experience in mental health & wellness
For more information about Sofia click here