5 tips to handle conflict with your partner
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“When you feel upset or angry, it’s important not to do or say anything. We need to calm down first. Don’t speak or act with the energy of anger in you. Just come back to your body and your breathing...Check to see if you have understood correctly, if your perceptions were correct. This will prevent a lot of damage to your relationship.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh, How To Fight
You have probably heard the rule of “never go to bed angry,” but how often do you follow it? If you find yourself going to bed with angry feelings, you are not alone. Many of us have struggled with conflict in our relationships that has caused sleepless nights and other difficulties. The good news is that we can learn ways to calm down first, like Thich Nhat Hanh wisely advises us to do. It’s important to remember that it takes time and a lot of patience when things don’t go as planned. Anger is more than an emotional experience, it’s also a physical one. When you feel angry, notice where you sense it in your body. Does your stomach tighten up? Do you clench your fists and jaw? Do you feel your temperature rising? You might experience one or all of these sensations. Chances are that your body’s stress response has just been triggered, which causes it to go into “fight or flight” mode. Flight can show up as avoidance. You might withdraw affection from your partner or disconnect from them in other ways, such as overworking or avoiding sex. Stress response kicks in when we feel threatened in some way (physically or emotionally). The threat can be real but it can also be imagined. It can be based on past experiences, which makes it hard to focus on what’s happening in the present moment. When we’re caught in a downward spiral like this it can cause us to act out in irrational ways. It’s important to pause and investigate what’s happening with kindness and non-judgment.
You can’t be stressed and relaxed at the same time
It's really tough to have a calm conversation if you’re in fight or flight mode, which is a natural reaction to feeling threatened. You need to calm your body down before you can take that next step of understanding your perceptions. We often carry baggage into our intimate relationships based on our past experiences, especially childhood ones. If you have been hurt before it can cloud your judgement of what’s happening in the present moment. A sight, sound or smell can send you back in time to feeling the way you did when you were hurt. We might compound the anger by making assumptions about our partner’s intent or expect them to read our minds.
For example, recently my husband was lying in bed after I had already been up for a couple of hours cleaning the house and doing other chores. My immediate reaction was feeling irritated and thinking about how much I’ve done already while he’s still lying in bed. Before speaking out in anger I took a deep breath in and tried to figure out what thoughts were fueling this irritation. I realized I was conflating some of my past experiences of inequity in a relationship with what was actually happening in the present moment. When I gave myself time to calm down I remembered how my husband said his back was hurting him earlier, which generated feelings of compassion instead. I found out he was resting before heading out to pick up supplies for repairs he’s doing around the house. Instead of feeling angry and resentful, I found myself feeling thankful and appreciative.
Calm your body first, and give yourselves time to resolve the issue.
When stress hormones start coursing through our bodies it makes it hard to think logically and communicate clearly. We might need to step away from the stressful situation and do something to calm down first. When we’re upset we often feel the urge to resolve the problem right now. Angry words might come out of our mouths that we later regret. It can cause the argument to further escalate. There’s a simple anger scale I use to check in with myself. On a scale of 0-10 how “hot” is this anger? If I notice it starting to go above a 5 that’s my signal to pause and practice self-care. I remind myself that we don’t need to figure it out right now. It’s okay to give it time. I take a couple of steady breaths in through my nose and release tension in my muscles on the out breath. I purposefully slow down my breathing. You can try this too. Next time you find your anger escalating, pause. Take a mindful breath in and let go of tension as you breathe out. Wait a couple of minutes before you say anything. Ask for some time if you need it, or agree to talk about it another day.
Ask yourself, are these thoughts true?
Thoughts are real but that doesn’t mean they are always true. Reality test your thoughts. You can ask yourself, “do I know this thought I’m having right now is 100% true?” Chances are you need more information before you can decide. You can use this challenging thoughts exercise to help you identify patterns of problematic thinking that might be contributing to your feelings of anger. This exercise will help you bring awareness to your perceptions and to challenge them. If you determine that your interpretations are based on facts then you can work on steps to resolve the issue in a calm and rational way. Once you have an honest conversation with your partner you can come to an agreement on how to resolve the conflict.
How can we meet both our needs?
Most couples will experience times of disagreement or misunderstanding. It’s important to communicate in a respectful way so that you can work through the issue without fueling more stress and tension. Both of your needs are important. Each partner needs to feel valued and respected in the relationship. The way you communicate with each other can help foster connection and growth or contribute to hurt feelings and disconnection. Set some ground rules for communication so that you can resolve differences and disagreements in a respectful way. Use this do’s and don’ts of resolving conflict handout to help you establish ground rules. Print it and reference it daily.
When to seek therapy & how it can help
Therapy can be an effective tool if these above strategies are not helping and your stress levels continue to increase. You can start therapy at any time. What’s important to keep in mind is that both of you need to be willing to participate in the therapy process. You’ll want to look for a therapist who has skills and experience in working with couples. You can work with a licensed therapist such as a clinical social worker, psychologist or licensed marriage and family therapist. For more information about therapy and how to find the right therapist for you feel free to check out my article, “What is therapy and how can it help me?”
Ultimately you are the experts in your relationship and will decide the best course of action to take. Keep the lines of communication open and remember that you are a team. You can work together to overcome any challenges you are facing. Wishing you the best in your journey together!
